Diary of a Premier League player who doesn't play: 'I take joy from the role I have' (2024)

Mark Gillespie is living the dream*. A boyhood fan of Newcastle United, that dream* had been “shattered”, he says, when he was released by the club at 16. But he dropped down the leagues and rebuilt, fighting “for his life”, always “one mistake away from obscurity”, until in 2020, the goalkeeper came home, rejoining his old club.

And now just look at him: dreamland*. Look at Newcastle, back in the mix following their Saudi-led takeover in 2021, competing again, just as they were when Gillespie came to St James’ Park as a kid with Neil, his dad, Mark staring awestruck at Shay Given, Steve Harper and Tony Caig.

“My dad had a season ticket in the Strawberry Corner of the Gallowgate End and we’d get to games an hour early, just so I could watch the goalies warm up,” Gillespie says. “Now, when we come out to warm up, I always look across to that corner and I can’t help it; I think to myself, ‘What would that little kid think now that I’m on the pitch?’. It’s mental.”

But you may have noticed — as Gillespie adds — rejoining Newcastle was “a no-brainer, but with a small asterisk attached”, because at 32 and in his prime, he does not play. He has played; three appearances in the Carabao Cup in 2020-21, which “mean more to me than if I’d played another 100 games for another club”.

There is a misconception about players in Gillespie’s position. “The first thing people say is, ‘You’ve got the best job in the world’,” and on one hand, he knows what they mean because it’s football and he gets paid to do it, but on the other, “It’s Popey (Nick Pope) and Longy (Sean Longstaff) who have the best jobs. They play. They’ve got what I wanted.”

And it’s when people say he has “the easiest job in the world, that I take exception to it”. The assumption here is that Gillespie enjoys the trappings without the jeopardy, that he puts his feet up while others strain, or that he has some kind of ambition deficit. This is an inversion of the truth; Gillespie is every bit as vital to Newcastle in terms of tone-setting as Bruno Guimaraes or Alexander Isak.

Throughout last week, Gillespie kept a diary of Newcastle’s pre-season tour to Japan, sending voice notes and photos to The Athletic, capturing the sights and strangeness of a barmy, humid dreamscape*. On Friday lunchtime, we sat down and talked at the Hilton Hotel, Shinjuku. This is an interview with a difference about a player with a difference. It is his life, his dream*.

Sunday into Monday

“We left Newcastle at 10am. As always, we were well looked after and it was a nice plane, stopping off in Uzbekistan to refuel. It was my usual routine for long trips. I love getting insight into other sports and I watched Receiver, a documentary series about NFL wide receivers.

“I love the ego and bravado of those athletes. It’s nothing like how I am; I look at some of the young goalkeepers around now and wish I’d had more arrogance. I was playing for Carlisle United at 20 and I should have been more sure of myself because I’d earned it. I got into the team because I was doing well, but if I made a mistake at that age, I’d go into my shell.

“I also got through The Bear on Disney+, a drama about a Chicago restaurant. I’m obsessed with it, one of the best things I’ve seen. There’s something about the way it’s shot, it’s stressful and it’s emotional. Carmy, the main character, is such a complex guy. You’re trying to work out why he is who he is.

“We arrived in Tokyo at 1pm their time. I only slept for the last two or three hours of the flight and I’m paying for it now. We had a meeting with a sleep specialist before we left who told us to make sure we got some sunlight as soon as we got here, so after lunch — we’ve brought our own chefs with us — a few of the lads went out for a wander.

“We were warned about the heat, but how do you prepare for walking into a sauna? It takes your breath away. Then we had a gym and pool session, nothing too intense, just to get the body moving. It was tired minds, tired bodies, but that got us going. Now it’s dinner and a much-needed early night.”

Gillespie got a game during Newcastle’s post-season trip to Australia in May and, after he saved a penalty in a successful shootout, Dan Burn, the captain, tore across the pitch to embrace him, a funny but telling moment. Afterwards, Eddie Howe interrupted an interview with the club’s in-house TV channel. “I just wanted to step in, if I may,” Howe said. “The work this guy has put in this season has just been incredible… His attitude to training is ridiculous every day.”

If football is about give and take, Gillespie’s position is almost unique; because he is unlikely to play, his efforts are largely about making others better.

Burn tells a story; small, but revealing. “There was a day last season when the starting XI were going through walkthroughs in training after the rest of the lads had finished. Afterwards, a few wanted to practise their finishing. Mark was at lunch, but he got his training kit and gloves back on and went straight back out there so they could do it. No complaining. That’s what he’s like.”

“The rewards are there for all to see for the players who play every week,” Gillespie says. “The adulation, the feeling of winning as a team. I’m not on the grass, so don’t have that and if it wasn’t Newcastle, I don’t think I could have done it, not for this long.

“As a player — and I had a bit of this at my previous clubs — if you’re not in the team, there’s almost a nagging feeling of not wanting them to win. I don’t have an inch of that here. If I wasn’t involved in football, I’d be in the away end — that’s what I did until I was 16. It’s not so hard for me not to play, a) because I accepted my role when I came, b) because I want Newcastle to win, and c) because I have incredible relationships with the other players.

“The pleasure I get, for example, is working with someone like Miggy (Miguel Almiron) three or four times every week in training, where he cuts in on his left foot. He does it for months and then all of a sudden, he does it in the Premier League and scores an absolute worldie. The same goes for Joelinton, for Burny and Longy, who scored against Paris Saint-Germain in the Champions League.

“I can look at those things and think to myself, ‘Yeah, I played a small part in that, I know where that’s come from’. I get a huge amount of pleasure from it, not just for what it means to them and the club, but for myself. I take joy from the role I have.”

Tuesday

“I woke up at 5am with jet lag and then it’s been a typical day for these trips; breakfast, train, lunch and then you’re shattered, particularly with this heat. It’s crazy. There’s no let-up, no cooling period, so it’s tough, but the idea is that getting exposed to that benefits the lads long-term.

“These trips are also about coming together. The manager always makes sure we have team bonding events — not too long or taxing on the body. This afternoon it was bowling at an alley a short bus trip away. I was made captain of a team and I was confident in mine; me, Burny, Tino Livramento, Jay Turner-Cooke and Oscar Brau, the physio.

“Although me and Burny did pretty well, getting about 120 points each, the rest of the lads struggled, so we lost. The forfeit will be on Friday evening when we have to sing a boyband song of our choice in front of everybody. If I get one line out of Tino I’ll be happy, judging by his reaction, but laughing at and with each other is vital. It just strips everything away.

“At this level, you realise why players are here; it’s talent, but it’s also being grounded and willing to put the work in and that normally equals good people. That’s always been the case here. There’s an ambition for everyone to better themselves, but you can’t do that on your own. There are no blaggers. That’s what these things are about.”

Newcastle players and staff form a huddle before matches (separate from the one they do immediately before kick-off), sometimes in the dressing room, sometimes on the training ground or in their hotel a day earlier.

It started in Howe’s first season as head coach, with final messages and reminders for specific games and sometimes players are asked to lead these team-talks, giving their personal perspectives and explaining how they feel. Gillespie was entrusted with the task before their Champions League fixture away to PSG last season.

“Me, Matty (Ritchie) and Emil (Krafth) weren’t in the Champions League squad, which the manager apologised for, but he said he was happy for us to travel to the games and take in the experience,” Gillespie says. “I’d watched Sir Bobby Robson’s Newcastle team play in the Champions League and obviously I said yes to doing the huddle. Anything to help.

“It was in the dressing room at the Parc des Princes just before the lads went out. I talked about the immense pride Geordies have for their city, how far we’d taken the club and putting on a show. And I talked about 20 years earlier when we’d lost our first three group games in the Champions League and still gone through when Craig Bellamy scored the winner against Feyenoord.

“I talked about never giving up and my last point was about the courage it takes to go out on the biggest stage and have belief, to know we’re good enough to compete. When we went 1-0 up, I thought, ‘I’m going to dine out on this for years!’. It wasn’t to be (PSG equalised with a late, contentious penalty), but it’s one of the things the staff have done to keep me part of the group.”

It is also much more than that; an illustration of esteem.

Wednesday

“Apparently, there was an earthquake this morning. I was fast asleep so totally missed it, but it was strong enough to wake a few of the players and staff up. The first I heard of it was a few of them mentioning it at breakfast. My jet lag must be fading! I’m slowly starting to get into a routine, waking up every day that little bit later and getting back into a proper sleeping habit.

“With the team playing Urawa Red Diamonds tonight, there was a small training group in the morning for the lads who won’t be involved — some of the players who’ve had international games this summer and a few of the goalies.

“It’s slightly unusual in that there are five seniors with me, Popey, Martin Dubravka, Odysseas Vlachodimos and John Ruddy. It’s different! But it works quite well for training because you can do a bit more and make it more game-related. Where I am in terms of numbers and how close I am to the team doesn’t really affect me because my role is basically the same.

“I always try to bring a positive attitude. It’s about body language, using my voice, just to make sure everyone gets something out of it. At various times, there will be players coming back from injury and others who might be disappointed not to be in the team and I think that role is important.

“Under the manager, there’s no wasted day. There’s a reason behind every session and we train as we play. Today’s was good; hot and humid, but I enjoyed it. I always do.

“In the end, we ended up missing the match, which was a shame, but there was a torrential downpour early evening and the organisers said it would have taken forever to get there with the traffic. But the lads won 4-1 in tough conditions. You want to get into that winning habit.”

Gillespie signed for Newcastle’s academy when he was eight. “I was obsessed,” he says. “It’s not so much that I liked football — I loved Newcastle. I was a bit of a nerd. If I was to go on Mastermind now, my specialist subject would be Newcastle 1998-2006. All the lads take the piss because if they’ve got a question about anything — a game, a goalscorer, a squad member — I’ll know the answer.

“When I signed, my goal was to play for the first team. I was highly rated up until I was 12 or 13, but lads develop at different times and by the time we were moving on to bigger pitches, I hadn’t. I was half-expecting to be released, but getting the news was hard to take. At school, I was the kid who plays for Newcastle. It was my identity and to have that taken away was difficult.”

Carlisle it was. “Moving away from home at 16 takes a lot of sacrifice, but it matures you,” Gillespie says. “You’re basically fighting for your life because you’re on your own and it’s sink-or-swim because where do you go from Carlisle? Getting into the team when I did brings responsibility. I was asked to communicate and be a leader from the back and you’re dealing with senior players who have played hundreds of games.

“You’ve got a lot to lose at that age and then when you get in the team, you’re like, ‘Oh my god, I’m playing in League One’, and you don’t want to lose that because still it’s a fast slope down. You build credit in the bank; 50 games, 100 games, 200 games, and then all of a sudden you’re not one mistake away from obscurity anymore. You’ve built a career.”

In 2017, Gillespie left Brunton Park for a season at Walsall and then joined Motherwell the following year. “I was playing top-tier games, playing against Celtic and Rangers, my stats were really good and I kept a lot of clean sheets,” he says. “We finished third in my last season there, which is pretty much winning the league for clubs like Motherwell.”

With his contract running down and more than 270 senior appearances behind him, Newcastle came in for him. “It was sold to me honestly,” Gillespie says. “I spoke to Simon Smith, the goalie coach at the time, and then Steve Harper and it was basically, ‘We’ve got Martin and Karl (Darlow) and you’ll be No 3 and it’s going to be a slightly different role’.

“There was a question mark about how I would deal with not playing because for the majority of my career, I’d been a No 1, but the heart pulls you home. It’s always been a case of weighing up the pros and cons, but I just thought, ‘There’s no way I’m turning down a chance to go to Newcastle. If it doesn’t work out, I’ve got enough games under my belt to get another move’.

“You have to remember that Newcastle was totally different before the takeover. It was being a No 3, where you’re an injury away from being on the bench and once you’re on the bench, you’re a heartbeat away from actually playing. It was an easy decision. It was a chance to represent Newcastle, to be close to family and you never know what happens from there.”

Dubravka was injured for much of the season that followed, so Gillespie was regularly on the bench in the Premier League. There were those three cup games — Blackburn Rovers, Morecambe and Newport County — the only disappointment being that stadiums were closed due to Covid-19 and his dad could not watch him.

Post-takeover, the club was transformed. When Dubravka went on loan to Manchester United and Darlow (who is now at Leeds United) damaged his ankle in 2022, Newcastle brought in Loris Karius. It is a similar situation now. “For where the club wants to be and with the resources we have, there’s no reason to take a risk anywhere,” Gillespie says. “I haven’t had that exposure to the Premier League, which I totally understand.”

Thursday

“A fairly light gym session this morning with the lads playing last night and after our tough training session, so today was like a down day. We had a chance to get out and about, so a few of us went to the Shibuya Crossing.

“It was amazing to see how busy it was. I like the vibrancy of big cities — New York and Barcelona are two of my favourites — and this place is absolutely huge.

“I had a look in a few shops. I found a really cool retro football shirt place, where there were some absolute belters including a (Sebastien) Bassong No 12 Newcastle top. My three-year-old daughter demanded that I visited Hello Kitty, so I did that and then had a treat to cool off.

“I always take an interest in where we are. I love history and try to educate myself about where we’re going and what it’s known for, but you’re limited in what you can do. Sometimes it’s just a quick Google, but it’s good to broaden your perspective as a person.

“I came to Newcastle at 28 and at the other clubs I’ve been at, this kind of travel would have been out of the question, so I always feel really privileged. The more you do something, the more it becomes second nature, but I’ll never take it for granted. Ultimately, we’re here to work, so for most of it, we’re in that football bubble.

“Then, after dinner, it was a team meeting with the lads I lost the bowling with. We’ve chosen a song for the forfeit, they were all on board and now we’ll try to put a performance on. First rehearsal is tomorrow and we need to get it on point.

“There were commercial and sponsor events tonight and I went to a meeting for our international fans and some that have travelled. It ended with crowd karaoke and I was asked to start a song off and get everybody going. That’s another thing; it’s always mindblowing to see how many fans we have across the world. It opens your eyes to how big Newcastle are.”

Of course, there is an absence and it can only ache. “When you make that save and the crowd goes, ‘Ohhhhh’ — that’s the best feeling ever,” Gillespie says. “I really miss the adrenaline, going out in front of big crowds and making saves. I played at Anfield for Carlisle in the League Cup, played in big games and big stadiums for Motherwell.

“That feeling of coming back into the dressing room and you might have been battered, but you’ve won 1-0 as a team and your body’s aching, you’re the main man — of course I miss that. There’s a burning side of me that wants to play. So everything has to be weighed up. Sometimes it’s not your decision, but if the manager is saying, ‘We’d love you to stay, we really value you’, it’s not something I’m going to say no to.

“Football is difficult sometimes. There are plenty of goalkeepers out of contract. I haven’t played for a while, so where do I go from here? You can’t just click your fingers. If things change, I’d love to go and prove to myself that I can be a No 1. I still feel like I can play in the Championship. I truly believe I’m better than I when I arrived and there’s no reason I can’t play for another six, seven, eight years.

“If I felt like I didn’t deserve to be in the dressing room here or if I wasn’t treated the same as everybody else, then maybe it would be different. I’m a grown man and I don’t think I would accept that. But it’s the opposite. There’s no ego, there’s no, ‘He doesn’t play’. That’s important because these are my surroundings every day.”

Friday

“Another tough morning session in the relentless heat. You struggle with it, but you also become more accustomed to it. Slightly, anyway. You can feel it working. And even when it’s tough, I make a point of training hard, training well, to bring a positive noise around the group.

“After a quick bite to eat, I sat down to chat with The Athletic. I enjoyed looking back; it helps sometimes to talk and remember how far you’ve come and what you’ve done. I don’t do many things like that and it made me think about the people who’ve helped me along the way. I mentioned Simon Smith, but there’s Adam Bartlett, the head of goalkeeping here, Harps and Tony Caig, who are both with the academy.

“And then there’s my dad. He played in goal when he was younger and he was basically my extra goalie coach from the age of eight to 16, doing extra sessions on a Saturday morning and Sunday afternoon. I wouldn’t be here without them.

“And then in the canteen after dinner — the bit you’ve been waiting for — we did the song. It was What Makes You Beautiful by One Direction. Oscar, the physio, is Spanish and his English isn’t great, bless him, and there’d been a misunderstanding because he’d been practising the wrong line all day. He got a few words wrong, but the second time he nailed it. Everybody was laughing and it seemed to go down well.

“Things like that are great at getting you out of your comfort zone; when you have to put aside embarrassment or ego, it brings the collective together. These trips are definitely part of building that, but there are plenty of little bits like this over a season. Team spirit is a strength of ours, but it’s not something you can just bank on. Shared experiences on and off the pitch bring you closer together.”

Gillespie started on his qualifications early and already has the badges he needs to coach goalkeeping. “I had a couple of bad knee injuries at Carlisle and so I thought, ‘I’ve got three months here, let’s use it’,” he says. “I’ve always been conscious of making the most of the time you get as footballer and using it to broaden my horizons. It’s what I’m edging towards. If you spend every day of your life doing something, what is there that you’re going to do better?”

He might not play, but he still gets sustenance from Newcastle. “In certain aspects of the role, I might not get much out of it, but the way I look at it is: how else can I improve myself?” he says. “In team meetings with the manager, I try to be present and listen. He’s one of the very best in the Premier League. If I go into coaching later and can’t take something out of that, there’s something wrong with me.

“But also there’s no excuse for me not being in the best condition of my career. If I don’t have games to focus on, I can stick to a routine, stick to a gym programme, stick to eating exactly the right things.

“I’ve got the best facilities you could ask for, the best staff, the best nutrition, so even without being on the pitch, I can be the best goalkeeper I can possibly be. That’s my motivation every day; how can I improve as a player and a person, as a dad and a husband, and maximise what I’ve got?”

Saturday into Sunday

“We’re just about to take off from Tokyo. I’m sitting on the plane next to Longy, which means I’m in for an ‘entertaining’ journey. This time we stop off in Kyrgyzstan to refuel; hello again, Google.

“Yesterday, it was another hard session in the humidity for the lads not involved against Yokohama F Marinos; it’ll be nice to get back to an old-fashioned Newcastle heatwave. After that, I managed another last, quick wander around, just trying to take it all in. You want to soak up as much as you can, but you know it’s just bits and pieces of a place.

“Then we went to the match and sat in the press seats high up in the stand.

“Losing 2-0 was disappointing, but I’m sure the lads got plenty out of it. It’s been a good trip and the new season is only a couple of weeks away. You can feel it now.

“In the interview, I talked about coming to St James’ with my dad. They still play a lot of the same tunes before games and it reminded me of that New Radicals song, You Get What You Give. I love that. I’ve always believed you get out what you put in. I also think things work out for a reason. During my childhood, the club was everything to me and now it’s my life again.

“I absolutely love it. Over the last four years, there have been so many amazing experiences, I could never regret it in any way, shape or form. To be part of the club’s transformation, to see what the manager and owners have done, I wouldn’t change it for the world.

“I’m at the heart of it, in the dressing room and valued. As long as I’m contributing and I have a worth to the group, I feel like it’s enough. I prepare as if every day is my game day because if I’m not training well, there’s no point in me being here.”

(Top photo: Gillespie with Sean Longstaff on the plane home from Tokyo; by Mark Gillespie)